Back
Abandonment issues are really one of those things that can derail even the most promising relationships. They usually show up early on, and almost always have a harmful impact on your dating life.
If you have ever felt insecure in a relationship, afraid that someone was going to leave you, or like you might not be able to rely on your partner, you might be suffering from fear of abandonment.
And if that is your case, then you know how insecure and vulnerable it makes you feel. Which is why addressing this issue is going to be necessary if you want more peaceful, healthy relationships.
To be able to deal with your fear of abandonment, you must first go back to the root cause of that fear.
And it is very often linked to some negative event from your childhood. Be it:
If you recognize your story here, know you are not alone. Also, give yourself some grace: dealing with your fear of abandonment is a humongous task, as it is likely entangled with other forms of trauma that are just as hard to face as your abandonment issues.
Note that it is also possible that your fear of abandonment stems from your teenage years, and even adulthood. Typically:
Being anxious or nervous can happen without any fear of abandonment. Especially in the very beginning of a relationship, where everything is draped in uncertainty.
However, this initial nervousness usually dissipates as the relationship gets stronger. If you feel like the opposite is happening – that you are becoming more and more stressed out – then you might be suffering from abandonment issues.
Here are some signs to watch for:
On appearance, these signs might seem contradictory: you both cannot let someone get too close, yet you also cannot let them out of your sight for fear they might disappear.
However, these two attitudes have something in common: they are exhausting.
It is exhausting for your partner to constantly be under close watch, to be bombarded with questions and always have to reassure you that everything is honky dory in your relationship. That they love you.
And it is exhausting for you too. You are so scared of being left alone that your brain is constantly scanning the environment for threats. Why is my partner working late today? Why are they colder towards me than yesterday? Did they roll their eyes when I asked them a question?
Your body is also permanently dealing with all this anxiety. It cannot just rest and relax.
You just feel tired, mentally and physically. That is probably the biggest sign you have a fear of abandonment.
Getting over your fear of abandonment is no small task. You probably have to unravel years of trauma, deeply ingrained habits, and defense mechanisms.
But there are a few strategies you can rely on to help you on this journey:
It is pretty much a fact when you don’t feel so good about yourself, you worry that people will leave you.
The counter to that is to develop your self-esteem. When you feel like a million bucks, your fears of being abandoned will greatly diminish. Who would want to leave a million bucks?
If you are single, one of the ways to do that could be to start talking to people online. Nothing boosts your confidence like discovering other people find you interesting. On a site like Vidamora, with verified profiles, this is both safe and easy.
Register today to see if anyone catches your interest.
Having someone help you can give you insights that you would not always be able to discover on your own.
A therapist will help you uncover the root causes of your fears, and provide a safe space for you to practice building trust and healthy attachment.
With some introspection, reflexivity, and some outside help, you can often identify the situations and phrases that stress you out.
Do you feel anxious when someone takes too long to reply to your messages? When your girlfriend asks for some space? Or when your husband goes drinking with his coworkers?
Take note every time you start to feel that way, and see if there are specific situations you should be careful with.
Once you know what triggers your fear of abandonment, talk to your partner.
Try to see if there is a way to deal with those situations that satisfies both of you. It could be as simple as a quick text message to check in when your partner is out.
Learn to set expectations and boundaries. It might not feel easy – nothing is easy the first time you do it – but it will help you feel more in control.
No matter how hard you try, there will be situations that will spark your abandonment issues.
When that happens, the key will be to not let stress overwhelm you. Here are some techniques you should look into to help you:
All these strategies make a lot of sense. You might have been thinking about trying them already. Here is the catch, however: this will take a long time.
Even if you work on your issues diligently, you will see periods with little to no progress. Do not let that discourage you. You are on a self-improvement path, and like all self-improvement paths, it takes work. A lot of work.
But what you will get on the other side is incredibly worth the effort: a more relaxed mindset. A lot less anxiety in your life. Peace.
And much better relationships.
January 5, 2021
Making it past the first date with a girl is a big hurdle to clear. If that is your case, congratulations. Now comes the tricky part of asking for a second date. If you’ve already asked her out before, you’d think this should be easier. Well, that’s the theory, at least. But it doesn’t mean...Lire la suite
September 13, 2022
Relationships do not always have to be linear: first date, second date, dating, moving in together… Sometimes life has other plans for you. You might be too busy for a relationship. Or your boyfriend moved to another city and you find long-distance relationships too hard. Short breaks from romantic relationships ...Lire la suite
May 18, 2022
Relationships and romantic feelings often bring out some pretty intense behaviors. Off the top of your head, you might already be associating budding romances with wanting to text your boyfriend as soon as you wake up, thinking about him all the time at work or at school, and jumping at every opportunity to hang out wit...Lire la suite
September 15, 2021
The early stages of dating involve a lot of back and forth. You will make plans, cancel them sometimes, reschedule your dates, and work around each other’s schedules to be able to meet. That is a simple process on the surface, but anyone who has done any dating knows it takes careful planning and organization to d...Lire la suite
September 13, 2022
Relationships do not always have to be linear: first date, second date, dating, moving in together… Sometimes life has other plans for you. You might be too busy for a relationship. Or your boyfriend moved to another city and you find long-distance relationships too hard. Short breaks from romantic relationships ...Lire la suite
September 12, 2022
So, you’ve got a great girl in your life? Congratulations! Being in love can be one of the best feelings in the world. If you are like most guys, you probably want to do all you can to make this girl feel loved and special. To show her how much she means to you, each and every day. Which quickly brings an importan...Lire la suite
May 31, 2022
Look at any relationship between two people, and you would be hard pressed to find one that has not had any rougher patches. Even couples who look perfect on the surface have most likely had struggles, experienced ups and downs. That is simply how life is between humans. And that is why you don’t think about br...Lire la suite
May 18, 2022
Relationships and romantic feelings often bring out some pretty intense behaviors. Off the top of your head, you might already be associating budding romances with wanting to text your boyfriend as soon as you wake up, thinking about him all the time at work or at school, and jumping at every opportunity to hang out wit...Lire la suite
March 16, 2022
You may not really be happy to discover that your girlfriend needs a break. No guy is ever ready for that, really. So, if that is happening to you, just know that the unpleasant feelings you are experiencing are normal. First of all, you should know that this is a common situation – albeit not a fun one –...Lire la suite
February 23, 2022
When your ex comes back into your life long after your separation, you might feel a few ways about it: You might be intrigued, especially if you had little to no way to know what they have been up to. Curiosity is human. You could get mad. How dare he feel so entitled to your time and attention that he thinks he can ju...Lire la suite
February 16, 2022
One of the hardest things about breaking up with someone is the relationships you leave behind in the process. Because yes, you lose more than one: There is the relationship you had with your ex, of course, Then there are also all the mutual friends and their side of the family, with whom you often lose touch, An...Lire la suite
February 2, 2022
Is there anything more frustrating than being ignored by your girlfriend and not knowing how to talk to her, or even why she is not talking to you? If there is, it must be something really, really frustrating indeed. Yet, it happens all the time. Even in relationships that seem to be going well. Just because your ...Lire la suite
January 20, 2022
Ah, relationships! Like them or not, they often make us go through all sorts of emotions. Sometimes we are not even in control of them. Where you used to be a completely rational and even-keeled individual, you now become a bit of a mess. So to speak. Emotions can sometimes prevail over your more logical and composed...Lire la suite
January 12, 2022
Most men around the world will have a few things in common. Young boys in school try to learn about fitting in with their peers. Teenagers wonder about growing their first beard. Adults in their twenties are curious about having a good career… and so on and so forth. But there is one thing that pretty much e...Lire la suite
