Back
We’ve come a long way since the first personal ad appeared in a British newspaper. A thirty-year-old gentleman with a very good estate was willing to “match himself to some good young gentlewoman”. The publisher recognized this as a novel idea with a great commercial potential, and the rest is, well, history. This was back in 1685. A lot has changed since then, but people’s desire to connect has remained strong. Dating moved from paper to video, and in the 90s, online dating sites were already on the rise. As our technology grew, so did our appetite for the opportunities it offered.
Statistics vary, but estimates indicate 20 to 36 percent of North Americans are active on dating websites
or apps. And this number is likely much higher for young adults. Whatever age category you look at
though, the use of dating sites is increasing across the board. This means that when you sign up for a
dating site, you are joining millions of others just like you. That’s a lot of people. With so many beautiful
souls looking to couple up, you’d be right in thinking you are spoiled for choice. It’s because you are.
Statistically, you are indeed more likely to find someone who shares the same hobbies, has the same
favorite drink, or the same idea of a perfect date.
So why can finding that special person sometimes feel so… tough?
The good news is: you are not at fault. The bad news is that your psychology might be working against
you.
When browsing online dating sites, you have literally thousands of profiles available at the click of your mouse. And it’s a good thing. All these single men or women, perhaps looking to date someone just like you. Surely, with all these options to choose from, you’ll find a great individual with whom you have tons in common.
So you start looking.
And looking some more.
Of course, you find a few profiles that seem interesting. Maybe more than a few. Some of these are
pretty good, so you keep them at the back of your mind for later. Others seem even more interesting.
Better bookmark them so they’re easy to come back to. Pretty soon you have perused dozens and
dozens of profiles. Comparing them becomes quite an arduous task, to say the least. How do you even
choose which ones you like best? How do you choose what characteristics are relevant to you? Not an
easy decision.
And that’s the issue with choice. With too much of it, and needing to make a complex decision, there is a
risk of paralysis. When that happens, your probability of acting on all the information you gathered
goes way down.
When you meet people conventionally, you get glimpses into their personality. You get a snapshot impression of how you two interact, slowly building up an image of who they are. Most importantly, it takes some time before you feel like you know them.
You don’t have the same slow pace in online dating. All your romantic interest’s information is laid out
on your screen. From the books they like to whether they prefer expensive or free dates. You learn so
much about them before even interacting, it can feel a bit daunting.
But wait, there’s more. Human interactions and dating are complex activities. They require you to put
some serious thought into them. After all, you know you should make the right decisions, and that’s why
you were browsing all these profiles. However, this abundance of information, coupled with the
paralysis you feel, might lead you to the wrong conclusions. This means you might choose your potential
dates based on aspects of their profiles that are irrelevant to you, like the movies they watch, just
because what’s truly important (views on relationships, aspirations, flexibility, compassion, etc.) is too
complex to evaluate.
Finally, there is one more characteristic of your psychology that’s working against you:
When you have access to such a large number of potential partners, you could become too picky.
Even after browsing through dozens of profiles, you know you’ve barely scratched the surface of this bottomless dating pool. Maybe you should keep browsing, in case you find someone better than all the profiles you’ve seen. Yes, a few profiles met most of what you were looking for, but they didn’t tick all the boxes. With all these other singles you are yet to look at, some of them might.
A study led by Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D., for the Association for Psychological Science shows how people with
access to a large pool of partners become more judgemental and intransigent when evaluating potential
partners. This explains why you might reject almost-perfect candidates. Browsing takes very little effort,
so you keep on shopping for the perfect person, in a sea of potentially great partners.
On top of that, the same study established that people in this situation often make lazy or ill-advised
decisions. They explain this by the fact this surplus of choice makes online daters overly critical. This in
turns affects their interactions, which become less spontaneous, less fluid. First dates are already tense
and awkward enough. Let’s avoid adding tension to them!
You might be forgiven for thinking this plenteousness of choice is a curse. However, used correctly, it can actually be great. If you had too few choices, you’d run the risk that none would be satisfactory. So, keep in mind you have access to all these attractive single people. Just don’t let it overwhelm you.
A good way to do just that is to limit your choices so you don’t get paralyzed by them. You could, for
example, decide to make a short-list of 5 to 10 people you like, and try interacting with them before
looking for greener pastures. Or you could decide to message users you like right away, when their
profile is still fresh in your mind. Simply choose a strategy you are comfortable with and try it out.
The key is to find a middle ground, where you have enough options making you happy, just not too
many. Keep an open mind until you really get to know the person you are talking with. And remember:
less can be more.
July 12, 2021
Imagine if you had to draw up a general list of signs a girl is interested in you. Off the top of your head, you could probably write down quite a few. Like when a girl keeps texting you, or if she seems to take every opportunity to talk to you. You know, of course, that it also depends on the topic of her conversa...Lire la suite
November 29, 2019
Asking someone out can be stressful. The fear of rejection is always at the back of your mind and having unreciprocated feelings can sting. In online dating, from the relative safety afforded by your computer screen, you’d think it would be different. Easier. It isn’t. When the time comes to as...Lire la suite
August 25, 2020
Few things seem as intimidating as talking to a girl you just met. Even more so when you are romantically interested in this new girl. While having a chat might seem easy enough on the surface, you want it to build up to something meaningful while making the right impression. Finding an appropriate mix of confidence, in...Lire la suite
September 10, 2020
Getting a girl’s number is no small feat. It means things went well enough in your interactions with her that she agreed to keep in touch via text. In doing so, she left a door open for you to keep flirting with her. And that’s a good sign. However, it’s only the beginning. Knowing what to text a ...Lire la suite
April 19, 2023
Abandonment issues are really one of those things that can derail even the most promising relationships. They usually show up early on, and almost always have a harmful impact on your dating life. If you have ever felt insecure in a relationship, afraid that someone was going to leave you, or like you might not be...Lire la suite
September 13, 2022
Relationships do not always have to be linear: first date, second date, dating, moving in together… Sometimes life has other plans for you. You might be too busy for a relationship. Or your boyfriend moved to another city and you find long-distance relationships too hard. Short breaks from romantic relationships ...Lire la suite
September 12, 2022
So, you’ve got a great girl in your life? Congratulations! Being in love can be one of the best feelings in the world. If you are like most guys, you probably want to do all you can to make this girl feel loved and special. To show her how much she means to you, each and every day. Which quickly brings an importan...Lire la suite
May 31, 2022
Look at any relationship between two people, and you would be hard pressed to find one that has not had any rougher patches. Even couples who look perfect on the surface have most likely had struggles, experienced ups and downs. That is simply how life is between humans. And that is why you don’t think about br...Lire la suite
May 18, 2022
Relationships and romantic feelings often bring out some pretty intense behaviors. Off the top of your head, you might already be associating budding romances with wanting to text your boyfriend as soon as you wake up, thinking about him all the time at work or at school, and jumping at every opportunity to hang out wit...Lire la suite
March 16, 2022
You may not really be happy to discover that your girlfriend needs a break. No guy is ever ready for that, really. So, if that is happening to you, just know that the unpleasant feelings you are experiencing are normal. First of all, you should know that this is a common situation – albeit not a fun one –...Lire la suite
February 23, 2022
When your ex comes back into your life long after your separation, you might feel a few ways about it: You might be intrigued, especially if you had little to no way to know what they have been up to. Curiosity is human. You could get mad. How dare he feel so entitled to your time and attention that he thinks he can ju...Lire la suite
February 16, 2022
One of the hardest things about breaking up with someone is the relationships you leave behind in the process. Because yes, you lose more than one: There is the relationship you had with your ex, of course, Then there are also all the mutual friends and their side of the family, with whom you often lose touch, An...Lire la suite
February 2, 2022
Is there anything more frustrating than being ignored by your girlfriend and not knowing how to talk to her, or even why she is not talking to you? If there is, it must be something really, really frustrating indeed. Yet, it happens all the time. Even in relationships that seem to be going well. Just because your ...Lire la suite
January 20, 2022
Ah, relationships! Like them or not, they often make us go through all sorts of emotions. Sometimes we are not even in control of them. Where you used to be a completely rational and even-keeled individual, you now become a bit of a mess. So to speak. Emotions can sometimes prevail over your more logical and composed...Lire la suite